Justin Bieber may face CRIMINAL CHARGES for hocking a loogie


According to a new TMZ report, Justin Bieber’s inability to keep his bodily fluids to himself may land him in some hot loogie. After a recent tantrum in which the pop idol got so cranky that he spit up at his neighbor’s suggestion that he refrain from speeding in a cul-de-sac, the L.A County Sherrif’s Dept. will now most likely recommend that criminal battery charges be filed against the dyspeptic, droopy drawer-d, dipwad.

Reportedly, the 19-going-on-three-year-old took his Ferrari for a spin around the neighborhood at over 100mph and when his irate neighbor dared to step toe on Bieber’s property to complain, the wink-y, lip licking warbler cried out, “Get the f*ck out of here, I’m going to f***ing kill you!” and then promptly expectorated on the poor man.

Officially, no recommendation has been made yet, as the investigation is not finished, however, sources are spilling that Bieber’s salivary escapade is part of a larger picture that has emerged in the past few months concerning the singer’s all-around douche-tastic behavior, and the Sherriff sincerely feels he needs to be spanked repeatedly with a ladle of medium to heavy weight until he promises to be a good boy.

Now, I’m not even going to comment on the fact that I’m decidedly perplexed that this nozzle de douche’s popularity amongst the teenage throngs continues to rage on unabated, because…well…I’m not the target audience – I know this ok! In fact I haven’t been for decades…hell I don’t think I’ve ever been. So, although I personally believe that the white noise that this dim-witted drip blarrts out of his rectum is the auditory equivalent to contemplating the cobwebs in the corners of your ceiling at 3:47 am whilst battling a severe case of cholera induced constipation, I will relent that perhaps to some pea-brained, know-nothing tweener, his music – such as it is – might come off as pleasingly peppy. So no, I’m not going to comment on his talent – or lack thereof.

I will say this though…


Between this nimrod’s perpetually pained facial expressions and those MC hammer genie slacks he’s got bunched around his ankles 24/7, he looks like he’s in a constant state of strenuous defecation. Seriously… how can he not realize how utterly ridiculous he looks?


Give it up already you pompadour-ed putz!


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